Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1

Yes I went to go see it. With that said here is the film in chronological order (spoilers beware):

Wedding invites go out to friends and family.
Jacob acts like a pussy and runs away crying after receiving said invitation.
Bella's mother is happy she is getting married while her dad is protective.
Edward tries to talk Bella out of marrying him by telling her stories of him killing people.
Bella still wants to marry Edward saying she accepts who he is.
Bella's friends think she is pregnant because "who gets married at 18?!"
Bella starts crying, which was weird to see, while taking forever to walk down toward the altar in a gorgeous wedding dress. 
Bella and Edward wed in an elaborate ceremony planned by Alice.
The wedding kiss is basically a minute long make out session in front of friends and family.
The reception is full of cheesy speeches including Bella's mom singing a lullaby to her.
Jacob shows up looking scruffy and is still begging Bella to change her mind.
Bella tells Jacob she plans on having sex on her honeymoon as a human and Jacob flips out.
Jacob is escorted from the reception by his fellow wolves.
Edward and Bella fly to Brazil and go to their secluded island.
Edward wants to go skinny dipping in the ocean.
Bella takes a minute to prepare herself for her first time (only way to say it).
Bella joins Edward naked in the ocean.
They move inside where the famous bed breaking scene happens.
Bella wakes up and you see flashes of their wild sexual encounter as she remembers them.
Edward is sorry for hurting his wife after seeing bruises on her.
Bella wants to have more sex but Edward won't because he hurt her.
Bella walks around in lingerie trying to tempt him and eventually succeeds.
The couple scare their housekeepers away after they see the condition of the bedroom.
Jacob has a vision of Bella being a vampire while she is on her honeymoon and bitches about it.
Jacob wonders what the excuse for Bella's death will be (car crash, trip and fall, etc.).
Bella begins eating weird combos of food (chicken and peanut butter, wtf)
Bella pukes and tries to convince Edward she ate bad chicken.
Bella realizes her period is late and immediately receives a call from Alice.
Edward stands in an awkward silence as Bella talks to Carlisle.
The couple secretly returns to Forks after telling her family they extended their honeymoon.
Jacob comes to see a very pregnant and sick Bella after only a month.
Edward hates his child and is pissed Bella is pregnant.
Jacob is conflicted between the Cullens, his loyalty to Bella, and loyalty to his tribe.
Rosalie is protecting Bella and the baby from Jacob.
Bella is getting weaker and sicker with each minute and looks like a meth addict.
Edward is still being an asshole about Bella's pregnancy.
Jacob overpowers Sam and leaves his pack.
Seth and Leah leave Sam's pack to join Jacob in protecting Bella.
Jacob tries to convince them to leave him alone but fails.
Carlisle tells Bella giving birth to her child will kill her.
Edward yells at Bella claiming she is purposely leaving him by keeping the baby.
Edward reads Jacob's mind and they begin feeding Bella human blood to survive the pregnancy.
Edward reads the baby's mind and instantly falls in love with his child and apologizes to Bella.
The wolves outsmart Sam and the pack so Carlisle, Emmett, and Esme can hunt.
Bella goes into labor by bending backwards looking like she is in an exorcism movie.
Rosalie tries to cut open Bella's stomach but can't.
Edward rips her womb open with his teeth to deliver the baby.
Rosalie takes the baby as Edward injects Bella's dead body with vampire venom.
Jacob runs away crying again after thinking Bella is dead.
Edward pumps Bella's chest trying to revive her and bites her several times but it's not working.
Edward joins Jasper and Alice outside to fight off Sam's pack who have come to kill the baby.
Carlisle, Emmett, and Esme join the fight after successfully hunting.
Jacob sees the baby's eyes, sees his future with her, and imprints on her.
Edward reads Jacob's mind, sees he has imprinted, and uses this to fight off Sam's pack.
Bella begins magically healing via cheesy looking CGI tricks.
The Cullens and Jacob surround her as she is healing.
Bella's eyes open and they are vampire red.

The end.

Yeah, that's it. I was drunk during this movie so I am surprised I remember this much detail but whatever. I will say the honeymoon spoilers I had read prior to seeing it for myself were all wrong. Don't believe people when they are saying the sexual scenes are only implied or that it goes by really quick. It is true you don't necessarily see a whole lot in terms of nudity but you see thrusting, there is moaning, awkward music, straddling, etc.. You see enough. Nothing I can't handle just not when it comes to Twilight. Gross.
Bella's wedding dress was gorgeous. Wasn't quite what you expect and it was fairly plain but it was absolutely beautiful. Very flattering for Kristen Stewart.
The thing I didn't understand was why everyone looked so damn different in this movie compared to the first three. Even the vampires looked different. Kristen Stewart looked pretty, which was odd, Robert Pattinson wasn't as ugly, Jacob looked more adult, etc.. I was like, what the fuck is going on? Not to mention, what happened to vampires sparkling in the sun? Edward never sparkled on the honeymoon and they were on a sunny island ffs. If you are going to have ridiculous sparkling vampires be consistent.
Going along with everyone looking different, the makeup department sure did a good job. Kristen Stewart looked like a meth head for sure which was the point. I was like damn son.

Overall it was not good but I will admit it was the best of the 4 released so far. I am sad there is another movie still coming but I think if it follows the path of this one it will be tolerable. Changing directors was the best thing they could have done. Seriously.